|Jokes from the pen of the WebShowcase Puzzlemaster and our site Visitors - Page 1|
1. Just kidding.
Where would you like to go now?
Please make your selection below.
A politician, a vicar and a lawyer were driving along the motorway when, all of a sudden, another car swerved into them, flipping the car over, and all three friends died instantly. On their way to heaven, the politician said, "Hey, what would you like people to say at your funeral? I think I'd like them to say, 'He was a good man, who served his constituents well.'" The vicar said, "I want people to remember me as a great biblical scholar and educator of my congregation." The lawyer said, "I'd like for someone to say, 'Look! This guy's breathing!'".
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She flatly refuses, saying, "You silly little man, I don't need you to give up your seat for me, do I look defenseless to you? I can find my own seat", and she pushes the man back into his seat, glowering at him before looking away. A few minutes later the man gets up and again the woman repeats her insulting remark. The man says, "Look lady, let me pass, I'm two miles past my stop already."
3. The Big Bang.
A surgeon, an accountant and a lawyer were having a philosophical discussion about who was practicing the oldest profession. The surgeon said, "Clearly medicine is the oldest profession because God created Eve from one of Adam's ribs, which makes God a surgeon." "Oh no you don't," protested the accountant, "God made our orderly universe from the Big Bang chaos, an accounting trait if I may be so bold, making accounting the oldest profession." "Both of you may be correct," said the lawyer, "But who do you think created the chaos in the first place?"
4. The ledger of life.
A nerd of a lawyer is waiting at the gates of heaven and St.Peter is looking through the ledger of life. He is shaking his head as he turns the pages and the lawyer begins to tremble. St.Peter booms, "You call this good? You've defended known criminals and got them off some terrible crimes, you've overbilled people by two lifetimes and embezzled money from your clients for years. Give me one good reason why I should let you in and not make that cloud your standing on, rain". "Well," says the trembling lawyer, "Once I was leaving work and I saw this pretty woman being attacked by a gang of bikers. I'm not a brave man, but I shouted at them to leave her alone and pick on someone their own size. With that I drove into their bikes all lined up by the pavement. This distracted them long enough for the poor woman to get away." St.Peter checks the ledger of life and says, "Something's wrong, I don't see this incident recorded. When did this happen?" The lawyer says, "About five minutes ago".
5. 30 years and no wiser.
A teacher was retiring after 30 years and it was decided by some of the children to bring her a special retirement present. One little girl was the daughter of the village florist and so brought her a rather large bouquet of flowers. Another little girl who was the daughter of a wholesaler brought her a bottle of expensive perfume. A little boy was the son of a importer of fine wines and liquors and handed the teacher a taped box which was dripping at one corner. The teacher held up the box excitedly and said, "I bet I can guess what this is!" She caught a drip on her finger to taste and said, "I bet this is a bottle of vintage wine." The little boy said, "No Miss." She had another taste and said, "Is it some of those fine liquors?" The little boy said, "No Miss." She tasted again and said, "Is it a bottle of spirits?" The little boy said, "No Miss." "Okay," she said, "I give up, what is it?" The little boy said, "A puppy."
6. Shiver me timbers.
A pirate decided to retire after many years at sea and figured that since he'd been paying into an insurance scheme for years ought to be able to claim for his industrial injuries. He had a wooden leg, a hook for a hand and a patch over one eye. As the ship put into dock
the pirate went to the insurance agents office to stake his claim, and was assured that any work related injuries would be eligible for a compensation payment. The agent asked, "How did you get the wooden leg?" "Well, I was swabbing the decks when this big wave washed me into the sea and a shark bit off me leg." "Excellent," said the agent, "I can put that on your claim form, what happened to your hand?" "Well, I was up in the crow's nest, when a big wind blew me into the sea and a shark bit off me hand." "Excellent," said the agent, "I can certainly get you money for that. How did you loose the eye?" "Well, we'd raided this ship and stowed the loot below decks, so we sailed to the nearest island to celebrate. I was lying on the beach when a seagull flew over and dropped his business right in me eye."
The agent said, "Surely that wasn't the cause of you loosing your eye was it?" "No," said the pirate, "it was the first day with me hook."
7. Come on in the waters fine.
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were sponsored to swim in the English Channel Breast Stroke Competition. The race started at first light and around teatime the brunette won, quickly followed by the redhead. However, the blonde was nowhere to be seen. Everyone waited for hours and were giving up hope. It was just about to get dark and the poor girl would be reported missing when sho was spotted coming into shore. The crowds were delighted and cheered as she walked up the beach and over to the judges tent. As the judge marked her present, the blonde leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I don't want to seem like a bad loser, but I think the other girls used their arms."
8. Lawyer bashing.
Did you hear that the Post Office has just recalled its latest stamp issue? They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't decide which side to spit on.
What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off you when you die.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one the other side has to have one. They both cost a fortune. Once launched, you wish you hadn't and they can't be recalled. When they come back to earth they screw up everything forever.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a rottweiler? Lipstick.
What do you call 20 lawyers parachuting from an airplane? Skeet.