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Jokes from the pen of the WebShowcase Puzzlemaster and our site Visitors - Page 2

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1. Ouch it hurts.
A blonde goes to her doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she complains, "Doc, it hurts allover. My feet hurts, my leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, even my head hurts! What do you thing is wrong?" The doctor examines her and answers, "Your finger is broken!"

2. What if...
Tony and Cherie Blair were out for a walk, when Cherie, pointing across the street exclaimed, "I used to date that man up the ladder." Tony, realizing that she was talking about a telephone repair man, said, "Wow, just think, Cherie, you could have married a guy from BT." Cherie replied, "Actually Tony, just think, that telephone repair man could have been Prime Minister of Great Britain."

3. Get rich quick.
A young man wanted to get rich quick and so asked an old, very rich man how he made his fortune. The old man fiddled with his jewelled cuff links and said, "My family were the poorest miners in the valley. We had nothing, and I was down to my very last penny. I invested that penny in an apple. I spent the day polishing it and it looked so shiny I sold it at the end of the day for two pence. The next day I bought two apples and after polishing them all day I again doubled my money. This went on for a whole month by which time I had the princly sum of 10. Then my wife's father died and left us two million pounds."

4. It's not fair.
Three old men were sat around talking in their nursing home. The first, who was sixty, said, "Sixty is the worst age to be. You feel like you want to wee all the time, then when you stand waiting at the toilet nothing happens." "Rot," said the seventy year old, "seventy is the worst age to be. You sit on the toilet all day after taking your laxatives and bran, and nothing happens." The eighty year old pipes up, "Actually, eighty is the worst age of all." "How come? Do you have trouble in the toilet area aswell?" asked the others. The eighty year old said, "Not really...no! I pee every morning at 7AM sharp and my bowel movements are perfectly timed at 7.30AM." "Sounds great to me. So what's so tough about being eighty?" asked the sixty year old. "I don't wake up 'till ten."

5. Put that light out!
Deep in the countryside a rather uneducated young couple were expecting their first baby and indeed the wife had gone into labour in the middle of the night. The doctor arrived and, since there was no electricity, picked up a lantern and gave it to the father, saying, "Here, you hold this as high as you can so I can see what I'm doing." Soon a baby boy was born. The doctor said, "Wait a minute, hold that light back up, I think there's another one coming." Within a few minutes he was delivering a baby girl. The doctor said, "Well I'll be.....keep that light steady, I think there's another one coming." The father was scratching his head and looking really confused, and so he asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light attracting 'em?"

6. The eye of a needle.
A gynecologist was so fed up with his job that he quit and went back to college to study car mechanics. At the final exam the assignment was simply to strip down a car engine completely, for 50 points, and reassemble it to perfect working order for another 50 points. When the results were announced the gynecologist was amazed to discover he had been given 150 points. Believing this to have been a mistake he asked the instructor, "How could this be?" "Well," said the examiner, "I gave you 50 points for taking the engine apart perfectly. I gave you 50 points for reassembling it to perfect working condition. The other 50 points were for doing it all through the exhaust pipe."

7. Duck!!
A man goes into a restaurant and is taken to a table and then offered a menu. A particularly pretty and voluptuous waitress asked if he is ready to order. He looks up from the menu at the waitress and says, "A quickie, please." The waitress reaches across the table and slaps him across the face before storming away. The man on the table next to him leans over and whispers, "Actually, old bean, I think it's pronounced quiche."

8. Some childrens test paper answers.
Mushrooms grow in damp places which is why they look like umbrellas.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

To keep milk from turning sour : Keep it in the cow.

When you breathe, you inspire. When you don't breathe, you expire.

The body consists of three parts, the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity.

Rhubarb : A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Vacuum : A large, empty space where the pope lives.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

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