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Jokes from the pen of the WebShowcase Puzzlemaster and our site Visitors - Page 3

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1. The expensive quid.
A woman answered her front door and found a little boy holding a piece of paper. "Excuse me madam, can you help me?" the boy explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I've still got to find a ring pull from a can of Fosters, the wishing bone from a cooked chicken and a floppy disk, any colour other than black, then I can earn a pound coin." "Wow, that sounds hard," she said. "Who would think up such an unusual challenge?" "My babysitter's boyfriend."

2. The Best Bumper Stickers.   

- "How's My Driving?   0800 EAT SH*T"
- "Filthy, Stinking, Rich... Well, Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad"
- "Free Advice Is Worth What You Paid For It"
- "Husband And Cat Lost....Reward Offered For Cat"
- "The More I Learn About Women, The More I Love My Triumph"
- "Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-In-Law On A Wanted Poster"
- "OKAY, Somebody Give Me Chocolate And Nobody Gets Hurt!"
- "My Husband And I Married For Better Or Worse.....He Couldn't Do Better And I Couldn't Do Worse"
- "Wrinkled Wasn't One Of The Things I Wanted To Be When I Grew Up"
- "Don't Laugh Your Daughter May Be Inside"
- "If God Had Wanted Me To Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them On My Knees"

3. Counting Sheep.
There was a blonde, so sick of blonde jokes, that she dyed her hair brunette. The jokes stopped and she was happy. Whilst on a country walk she noticed a field of sheep and a farmer stood watching them from the gateway. She was thinking how cute they looked and asked the farmer, "If I can guess how many sheep are in your field, can I have one?" The farmer nodded and agreed. She guessed, "268." The farmer said, "Clever girl! Go on then, take your pick." She mingled among the flock and eventually started to carry one back to her car. When she got to the gate the farmer stopped her and said, "If I can guess your natural hair colour, can I have my DOG back?"

4. The Flicks.
An old man was being treated to a trip to the cinema for the first time after many years. He bought his ticket and stopped at the confectionary kiosk to buy some popcorn. He gave the attendant the money and commented, "The last time I came to the pictures, popcorn was only a shilling." "Well Sir," the attendant replied with a smile, "This is really gonna knock your socks off, we have colour AND sound nowadays."

5. 0800 HELP ME.
Ring! Ring! "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you have a touch-tone keypad please follow these instructions.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone near you to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4 and 5 now.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know WHO you are and we ARE tracing the call.
If you are schizophrenic, the little voices will whisper which button to press.
If you are manic-depressive, press whatever you want. No one's listening anyway.
If you are anxious, just press numbers in any order.
If you are phobic, don't press anything, there is soap in the sink.
If you are anal-retentive, please hold.

6. Hi Grandma.
A grown up grandson is talking to his grandmother on the telephone and she is giving him directions to her new flat. "When you arrive at the front door of my block of flats, look for the doorbell buttons. My button is 12R, just press it with your elbow. I'll buzz you in, you can lean with your back facing the door and it'll open. Come inside and walk over to the lift, hit the call button with your elbow. Get in, and with your elbow hit the one marked 12. Come down the corridor and with your elbow ring my doorbell." "That's wonderful Grandma, but why do I have to use my elbow all the time?" "WHAT? You're coming empty handed??"

7. Sister Sarah.
Sitting by the window in the convent, Sister Sarah opened a letter from her family and found a 10 note inside. She caught sight of a tramp leaning against a dimly lit lamppost far below. Quickly she wrote on a piece of paper, "Don't Despair, Sister Sarah", wrapped the 10 note inside and dropped it out of the window. The tramp picked it up and looking up tipped his hat as he shuffled off down the street. The next day the nuns were looking for Sister Sarah as there was a man at the door asking to see her. She went down and remembered the tramp from the evening before. He handed her a wad of money. "What's this?" she enquired. "That's the 60 you've got coming, Don't Despair came in at five to one."

8. The lawyer and the blonde.
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long train journey. The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a guessing game? He figures that since she is blonde it'll be an easy game to win, and so offers, "To make it interesting, we ask each other questions and if we don't know the answer, you pay me 5 and I'll pay you 50." The lawyer asks the first question, "What is the speed of light?" The blonde doesn't know and so offers the lawyer a 5 note. "My turn," she says, "What goes backwards on land, forward underwater and can sit in fire without getting burned?" The lawyer adopts a puzzled expression and sets to work trying to figure out the answer. Out comes the laptop and he logs on to scour the internet, emailing all his friends with the question. That, plus hours of enquiries on the mobile phone prove useless as no one seems to know the answer. "Okay, Okay, I give up, here's your 50." The blonde pockets the money, but the lawyer isn't finished yet. "So what IS the answer?" he asks. Without a word the blonde just opens her purse and hands over a fiver.

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