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Jokes from the pen of the WebShowcase Puzzlemaster and our site Visitors - Page 4

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1. Not long to go.
This chap went to the doctors surgery, his eyes bulging, his face bright red and gasping for breath. "My goodness, you look awful." said the doctor, who didn't really give him long to live. The man decided he'd live it up in his last days and drew all his money out of the bank to go on a spending spree. He wined, dined and bought the most expensive clothes he could find, including several posh shirts, "I want those in a size 15." he demanded. "But Sir." The clerk said, "Your neck looks bigger than 15. You need a size 17." "Don't argue with me, sonny." the man said, "I know my own size. I want them in a 15." "Of course, Sir, whatever you say." Replied the clerk, "But let me warn you now, if you wear a 15 you'll gasp for breath and your eyes will bulge."

2. The missing husband.
A woman goes to the police station helped by her next-door neighbour to report that her husband had been missing for several days. The police asked her for a description. She said, "Well, he's 32, 6 foot 3, has beautiful blue eyes, dark flowing hair, an athletic build, weighs about 180 pounds, speaks softly, has a good sense of humour and loves his children." The next-door neighbour pipes up, "What rot! Your husband is 5 foot 6, fat, bald, has a loud, vulgar mouth and hates children." The wife replied, "Exactly right, but who wants HIM back?"

3. Beautiful Anagrams.
I don't know who wrote these great anagrams, but if you know or hear of anymore, please send them in via the email link below

- Alec Guinness = Genuine Class = Gaul niceness
- Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
- A decimal point = I'm a dot in place
- Dormitory = Dirty room
- Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler = Mortal whine
- Slot machines = Cash lost in 'em = Tom cashes nil = Scam neoliths
- The Morse Code = Here come dots
- Snooze alarms = Alas! No more Z's = Alarm zone SOS
- The Public Art Galleries = Large picture halls, I bet = Tube tile calligraphers
- Contradiction = Accord not in it
- Margaret Thatcher = That great charmer = Mag. Charter Threat = Harm Great Charter
- Ronald Reagan = A darn long era = An oral danger = An alga or nerd
- Semolina = Is no meal = A slim one
- Desperation = A rope ends it
- Mobile phone = Hi Ben Pomelo
- Computer software = A tower of crumpets = Wept for a customer = Fructose tapeworm (a sweet virus maybe?)
- Tony Blair = Tory blain = Tiny labor = Not by rail = brainy lot

4. Under the table.
A couple were having dinner in a top class restaurant and the wine was flowing freely. The waitress noticed that the man was ever so slowly and silently sliding off his chair and under the table. The woman didn't seem to notice and the waitress thought the man was drunk or something. Eventually, the man was all the way out of sight and under the table. The waitress went across to the table and said, "Excuse me, Madam, you don't seem to be aware of this but I think your husband has just slipped off his chair and is under the table." "Oh no he didn't." She said, "In fact, he just walked in the front door".

5. The bandsman.
The orchestra director was at a loss what to do with one of his musicians. With tutelage and talking the musician was still terrible and his performance didn't improve. Finally, the director blew his top and in front of the whole orchestra shouted, "When a musician just can't play his instrument, they take it away and replace it, with two sticks, and make him play the drums." From the percussion section a loud whisper was heard, "Yes, and if they can't play the drums, they take away one of the sticks and make him a conductor."

6. Gis a job.
The job interview was coming to an end and the personnel officer asked the young engineer, fresh out of University, what starting salary he was looking for. "I was thinking somewhere in the region of 100,000 a year, plus benefits." "Well, in that case, how does 5 weeks paid holiday, 40 flexi-days, full medical and dental cover, full pension entitlement from day one, a company car and a cheap mortgage, sound?" "Wow." Said the engineer, "Are you kidding?" "Of course I am, but you started it."

7. Lucky wives.
Why is an archaeologist the best husband a woman can have?
Because the older she gets the more interested he is in her.

8. Peek-a-boo.
The manager of a posh hotel was trying to get some sleep late at night when a little old lady came up to the counter ringing the bell. "Come quickly, come quickly." she yelled excitedly, "I just saw a naked man outside my window." The manager immediately rushed to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the manager. "He's over the road in the building opposite, and I can see him, he's still there." replied the little old lady. "It's someone getting ready for bed." said the manager. "How do you know he's naked, I can only see him from the waist up?" "The sideboard, honey!" yelled the old lady. "Try standing on the sideboard!"

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