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Jokes from the pen of the WebShowcase Puzzlemaster and our site Visitors - Page 5

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1. On tour.
Two tourists were driving along the Cardigan Bay coastline, West Wales. As they approached Aberystwyth, they began arguing about the pronunciation and this carried on for quite some time. Finally they stopped for lunch and as they walked up to the counter, one said, "I know, we'll ask." "Could you settle an argument for us, please? Would you pronounce where we are....very slowly?" The assistant leaned over the counter and said, "Of course, madam, Burrrrr, gerrrrr, Kiiiiinngg."

2. Santa under pressure.
Long ago Santa was getting ready for Christmas but everything was going wrong and Santa was under a lot of stress. The toy factory kept breaking down. Stress! Elves were going home sick or were always dropping things. More stress! Mrs.Claus told Santa that her mother was on her way to visit. Yet more stress! It seemed like there was no end. Reindeer were going lame, some had even run away. One of the ski's on the sleigh fell off and the sleigh tipped sideways spilling all the toys over the path. Santa went in to make a drink and discovered a power cut, then he tripped over his beard and bumped his head on a table when he stood up. With that the doorbell rang, and Santa, still cussing and rubbing his head answered the door. Outside was a little angel carrying a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, "Where shall I stick this tree, Santa?"
And that, dear readers, is how the angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

3. Bad news.
Father Patrick had finished Sunday morning service and was saying goodbye to the congregation. Last in line was a woman in tears. "Oh Rose, my dear, what's the matter?" inquired Father Patrick. "Oh, Father, I've got some terrible news." replied Rose. "Pray tell me Rose, what could be so awful?" "Well, Father, my husband passed away late last night." "That's terrible, Rose." said Father Patrick, "Did he have any last requests?" "Well, actually Father, yes he did." replied Rose. "Tell me Rose, what did he ask?" Rose looked at Father Patrick and replied, "He said, Please Rose, put down the gun....."

4. Rough on the inside.
I found myself in a fairly rough part of town the other day and thirsty as could be. As I walked up to the pub doorway a huge bouncer caught me hold by the scruff of the neck and asked me if I had any weapons. When I said no, he gave me 3 feet of chain and a knife and told me to watch out.

5. Listen up girls.
Mental anguish.
Menstrual cramp.
Mental breakdown.
Mental anxiety.
Has anyone ever noticed that all of our problems begin with MEN???

6. The Ear-ring
Down at the building site John notices that Mike is wearing an earring. He is curious because Mike is normally quite butch and not into that sort of thing. So he goes over to Mike and says, "How long have you been wearing that earring, Mike?" "Ever since my wife found it under the bed".

7. 10 most wanted.
Joe's class are on a school day trip to New Scotland Yard, the London Police HQ, and were fascinated to see photographs of the countries 10 Most Wanted Men. One young lad pointed excitedly to the photographs and said, "Are they real bad guys?" "Yes." Replied the policeman, "Detectives are constantly on the look out for these men, they want them all behind bars." Joe looked over the counter and asked, "Why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures??"

8. Cads or caddies?
Two golfers called Ben and Jerry were trying to whizz round for a quick 18 holes before lunch, but were being held up by two of the slowest lady golfers ever. Ben says, "I'll go over and ask if we can play through." He gets about half way there, then, all of a sudden, he turns and quickly comes back. Jerry says, "What's wrong?" Ben says, "Shush, don't look now, but, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress." "That's definitely a major problem, you stay here and I'll go." Ben watches as Jerry gets about halfway and quickly turns and comes back, too. "What's wrong?" asks Ben. And Jerry says, "It's a small world."

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